RESPECT

It has been said often enough; respect is not given, it must be earned. I don't believe that. We all deserve the respect due any human being. I don't think I am wrong, but if I am, even if it's really true, I have done enough to have earned it, a great deal of respect. If I don't have it, I have done enough. I can do no more but respect myself enough to let go of people that consistently disrespect me. I ought to do this without rancor or a show of bitterness, but out of respect for myself.

A Memorable Birthday

On the 18th of April, 2004, I turned another year older. I can't say it was my happiest birthday. It certainly was a memorable birthday. 

I had just taken my father home to die. I picked him up at Kaiser Hospital in Sacramento and drove him to our family home in Folsom. 

My parents bought our house in 1950 but we didn't move in permanently until 1959 when they loaded up their four children, including baby Rory, less than a year old, and a parakeet named Jupiter, into a 1952 Packard and drove south on a dirt road called The Al-Can Highway, all the way from Fairbanks, Alaska, to the PCH and on to California,  an adventure of almost 3000 miles. I don't know if it was a good idea, but that's the sort of mom and dad they were. 

My employers at Larson Dental Lab bought me a flight to Sacramento and gave me a week with pay so that I could go home to say goodbye to my father. He had been diagnosed with stomach cancer and was not expected to live long. 

I was to stay at home with my parents to care for them. My sisters and brother, his wife and family were close by.

Somebody decided that I should be given a surprise birthday party. 

I remember feeling  a little suspicion when I saw my mother, momentarily freed from the dementia caused by Alzheimer's, sneaking a cake into the house with a look of mischief and delight on her face.  

I don't remember what we ate or what we talked about that afternoon, but I do remember that my father rose from his death bed, to sit at my side, and that together, as a family, we celebrated my 56th birthday. 

That I shall remember so long as I live. 

He died a week later, surrounded by the people he loved. 

An Awkward Moment

1 The man I hated. 

Thirteen years ago my wife left me for another. 

I despised him. I had nothing good and plenty bad to say about him. My friends, acquaintances, and group therapy members were sometimes sympathetic, sometimes taken aback by my venomous declarations. 

2 Taffy Was A Welshman

I went to Taffy's home

Taffy was in bed

I took a 38

And I shot him in the head

I talked to a friend. He is the one person I know who has shot at someone. He fired not in self defense, but in premeditated attempted murder. He advised me, "That's not going to get her back."

3 The maggot

Members of my therapy group jumped back as if struck across their faces, "I don't want to see her swelled up with that motherfucker's maggot!"

I went to pick up my children at their grandparents. The maggot crawled to me to be lifted. The grandparents watched anxiously to see what I would do.

A few years later he asked if I would like a copy of his grade school portrait. I carry it to this day.

4 My daughter

I told my then six year old daughter that her step father was a drunken bum.

She defended him, "He helps around the house." I said no more. 

I related this to my therapy group, "Well, maybe he's good to her. Maybe he bakes cookies with her." I left there even angry. 

I decided that so long as he did not harm her, what they did together was none of my business. Instead I started cooking with her, asking her help with simple projects, findings ways to be involved rather than finding ways that she would be entertained and not underfoot. 

Years later a friend of mine asked her an odd question about me, "Do you actually like this guy?" She answered immediately, "He's the best man I know. If I didn't know him I wouldn't have a favorite man."

5 The pastor

When I was employed at the dental lab there was a period when I worked alone in a separate room. I liked it alright but had no one to talk to. I like to talk. 

That all changed when a new ceramist was hired. He was a pastor at a church in northeast Washington. His church was too small to pay him a sufficient salary so he took a job at the dental lab. 

I had someone to talk to, and a pastor at that! I told him all about my misery. 

After he'd been there a few weeks I had a birthday. The lab bought me a cake and everybody signed my birthday card. Everybody but the pastor that is. He gave me another card. 

In it he wrote, "Philippians 2:14."

I have a bible. I looked it up. 

Philippians 2:14-15. Do everything without complaining or arguing...

What? Why that son of a bitch! I was offended. 

Then I did something that I can not explain. I decided to try it for two weeks, two weeks without complaining. 

It changed my life. My misery disappeared. My anger evaporated. 

It was replaced with serenity and gratitude.

6 Back to the man I hated. 

Last night he got in my taxi.  I asked him where I could take him. 

"Post Falls."

I started driving. 

He asked me, "Are you Phil?"

"Yes."

"Oh shit."

"Are you Pete?"

"Yes."

"HA! Well this could be an awkward moment."

"It is an awkward moment."

We talked about our children. He told me he had been paying child support and was fighting see his children.

He apologised for what happened. 

I told him I appreciated that. 

He asked me about my children.

He asked me about his children.  I told him that he has two awesome sons. I told him that I love them.

He payed me for the ride and left. 

Charon

vacuum cleaner hose
on the exhaust pipe
tank full of petrol
vents shut tight

free at last, my love
death is my new bride
charon in the driver's seat
take me to her side

March 6

March 6.
This is the day, 45 years ago, that I Left for Fort Polk, Louisiana, and became a soldier in the US Army. After two months of Basic Training, I joined the 60th Army Band as a trombone player (02E 20.)
It is also the day, 12 years ago, that my wife left me in search of happiness. I truly hope she has found it.
March 6 is a day that does not slip by unnoticed.

STONEHENGE

I can't believe Marshall Amplification actually printed my stoopid letter!

My Mother's Memorial Service

My Mother’s Memorial Service

This is what I said at my mother's memorial service
February 16, 2008


To the friends of my family
To the friends of our mother
Thank you for coming today
It is gracious of you
And appreciated by myself
And certainly by my family

To my family I want to say
That I am so proud of every one of you
And pleased to call you my own
And I know that my mother
Your mother
Your grandmother
Your great grandmother
was even more pleased
and more proud of you
And rightfully so

I say this not to boast
Nor simply to praise you
But to point out that her effort
And her sacrifice
And her support
Yielded the sweetest result
This lovely family

Because she did a good job
Because they did a good job
And of that
You are the living proof
And I love you all